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Limerick

Writer: Janice HoffmannJanice Hoffmann

First appearing in England in the 1700s, and popularized by Edward Lear in the 19th century, limericks are often rude to the point of bawdy. Despite that George Bernard Shaw described clean limericks as “rarely rising above mediocrity”, Larry’s limericks offer great word play with PG-13 humor, although some must be read with a New York accent in order to rhyme. These verses are mostly about domestic bliss with an elderly Maltese named Carina and her aging Mommy and Daddy.



There once was a dog named Carina,

who had a most pleasant demeanor.

She was tiny and cute,

with a soft tail to boot.

You’d like her, if ever you’d seen her.


Carina’s breed started in Malta,

not Corfu or Guam or Gibraltar,

but with other Maltese

she was quite hard to please.

and from barking, her mom had to halt her.


There once was a white dog from Malta,

who walked with a green leash and halter.

When a lawn she did see,

she stopped for a pee,

knowing Mommy and Dad wouldn’t fault her.


Carina was proud of her name,

but some people forgot. What a shame!

When they called her Serena,

or even Katrina,

she was kind, and did not assign blame.


Carina was really quite pretty.

She ranked near the top in the city.

It made her so proud,

she would shout it out loud

so shyh

n



For 14 years, Carina the Maltese has lived with her humans, Larry and Janice, in the Southern California village of Claremont. Many of the limericks she inspired Larry to write, reflect life at home in their wildlife-rich Claraboya neighborhood.



There was a dog living in Claremont

in a house as big as the Fairmont,

but she saw a large bear

that gave her a scare,

so she started to call her home Bearmont.



Carina knew she should not stare

if she ever met up with a bear.

She should make herself tall,

(which is hard if you’re small)

and leave without any fanfare.


Carina knew what steps to take

if she ever ran into a snake.

She would stop in her track

and slowly walk back,

and try hard not to make a mistake.

Carina was happy to walk

when there was no owl or a hawk.

Before it got dark

she would stroll in the park

while mommy and daddy would talk.


The neighbor dog’s bark was a pain

so Carina barked back to complain,

but the other barked more

and Carina would roar.

The situation was really insane.


This little white dog lived on Mountain

in a big house that featured a fountain.

There was art on the walls,

in the rooms and the halls,

just like in the Abbey of Downton.


Carina did not like the doorbell.

With her, the sound never did score well.

She’d bark her head off

till she started to cough,

even at people she knew well.

Carina did not mind the groomer,

so she usually went with good humor.

They would brush and would wash

till she looked really posh,

but she told them not to perfume her.

The delivery truck dropped off a bag,

and Carina’s tail started to wag.

There were minnows and bones,

and for mom, some iPhones.

This was really exceptional swag.

Wish we knew what went on in her brain.

Just think of the knowledge we’d gain.

Was she thinking of walks,

or perhaps some TED talks?

That’s assuming, of course, that she’s sane.




Call it anthropomorphic if you wish, but Carina is an amazing animal who manages to participate in a lot of family life, from doing yoga to participating (or not) in playing Azul, the favorite family board game.



Carina liked playing Azul.

It made her feel trendy and cool.

When she needed a tile,

she picked one from the pile,

but didn’t remember the rule.

Carina was nobody’s fool,

so she didn’t waste time with Azul.

There were red tiles and blue,

and some orange ones, too,

but to play there was rule after rule.


Carina the dog studied spelling

with her mommy and dad in their dwelling.

There were K-words like KAT,

and N-words like GNAT,

so many her head started swelling.


Carina was nobody’s fool,

though she’d net ever been to a school.

She learned a few tricks,

and chased after thrown sticks,

and tried to obey every rule.


Carina the dog loved her dolly.

What they did when together, “Oh, golly!”

They would bump and would hump,

and when done they would jump.

As a couple, they were always quite jolly.


There once was a dog who did yoga.

She didn’t need shoes or a toga.

She did down dog and sit,

and rolled over a bit,

and found that the practice consoled her.


There once was a dog named Carina,

who thought other’s grass might be greener.

Then she learned of the drought

and how green lawns were out,

so about her brown yard was much keener.


There once was a dog named Carina,

who wanted to make her grass greener,

so she went on the lawn

till the last q was gone,

and then she came in feeling leaner.

Sniffing the ground was her hallmark,

so much she resembled an aardvark.

When she smelled something good,

as often she would,

she would let out an ear-piercing dog bark.


A little white dog wouldn’t fetch.

When asked, she would grumble and kvetch.

When thrown a ball,

she would run down the fall,

but always preferred to play catch.


There once was a dog they called Doodle,

which was strange since she wasn’t a poodle.

She was pretty and sweet,

and fast on her feet.

She was smart and liked using her noodle.

The little white dog goes to market.

She takes Mommy’s car and she parks it.

She buys minnows and meat,

all she needs for a treat,

and to show she is thankful, she barks it.


There once was a dog named Carina,

who really like eating her dinner.

When told she’d get fat,

she said, “What’s wrong with that?

I really don’t want to be thinner.


There once was a person named mummy,

who took very good care of dog’s tummy.

She would fill up the bowl

with couscous casserole

and always made sure it was yummy.

Carina had a keen sense of smell

with which there’s so much she could tell,

like a plant or a tree

or another dog’s pee.

This skill really has served her quite well.







Carina’s parents traveled, sometimes without her, like when they went to Germany for Christmas. But whenever they could they would take her out to dinner with them and every year went to dog-friendly Carmel, where they frequented Doris Day’s Cypress Inn, noted for a great after-dinner piano bar, often with a half dozen dogs enjoying the music as well.


Carina’s folks went off to Dortmund.

She wanted to go but she couldn’t.

It made her feel sad,

but it wasn’t so bad,

since they weren’t coming home with a dachshund.


Her parents would take her to dine out

if the place had a “Dog Friendly” sign out,

but she stayed under the chair,

with no food she could share.

Why they liked this she never could find out.


There was a cool bar in Carmel

where people and dogs got on well.

The dogs were well-groomed

and the music well-crooned,

and they liked her, Carina could tell.


Carina liked to be in Carmel

where the air had a nice ocean smell.

She was welcomed in stores

like all with four paws

and she adored the view from the hotel.




As you can imagine, the focus of three elderly beings assisting one another in independent living, the conversation is often about the basics: food, water, and bathroom habits, with the occasional complaint about the heat and or the existential thought: “Who am I and why am I here?”


Although Carina was not from Nantucket

her water was served in a bucket.

But to her regret, it made her chin wet,

and so she decided to chuck it.


There once was a dog who loved water.

In fact, she drank more than she oughta.

When there was no more

she would scratch at the door,

despite what her parents had taught her.


Carina the dog like to pee

in the closet where no one could see,

but she stayed on the mat.

Dad was thankful for that,

and Mommy would strongly agree.


Carina got up in the night

and walked down the hall for a bite.

But her bowl, it was bare,

with no food anywhere,

so she barked to say “This is not right!”


Carina the dog was impatient

when minnows and treats weren’t adjacent.

She’d look up from the floor

with her eyes she’d implore,

hoping more food would be nascent.






Carina loved eating her dog food,

and knew that it had to be well-chewed.

There was couscous and meat,

and a small minnow treat.

It always puts her in a good mood.


Carina climbed into the sink

but knew what was wrong in a wink.

Her smile turned to frown

when she couldn’t get down.

Next time, from her bowl she will drink.


Carina’s mum did not like bright light.

It bothered her eyes in the night,

so she turned down the dimmer

till there was only a glimmer

and then closed her eyes very tight.


There were few things that mommy could eat,

or she’d hurt from her head to her feet.

No tomatoes or peas,

red meat or cow cheese.

It was hard to get mommy a treat.


Carina did not want to get ill,

so she asked mom to give her a pill.

But mom said ‘not yet”

till we check with the vet

to see if there was a refill.


Carina’s mom felt very ill,

with aches, pains, high fever and chill.

Carina tried to get med

to take to Mom’s bed,

but was unable to pick up the pill.

Carina worried ‘bout getting her fill

with mommy in bed feeling ill.

Instead of couscous and meat

with a nice minnow treat,

she might just have to eat Daddy’s swill.


Carina’s mom stayed in her bed,

with a pillow and ice on her head.

She said something ‘bout Covid,

and mentioned Paxlovid,

and left any more details unsaid.


Carina did not like the heat.

It bothered her lungs and her feet,

so she lay on some ice,

which felt very nice,

and thought, “Who says the heat can’t be beat?!”

Carina loved to sleep on the floor.

It was cold, and it cooled every pore.

She was very content,

had no reason to vent,

until somebody came to the door.


There once was a dog named Carina,

whose mom went to Casa Colina. She was left all alone

and just gnawed on her bone

until Mommy came home and she’d seen her.


The dog hated when mommy was gone.

It made her feel sad and forlorn.

She would sit by the door

until mommy she saw,

then jumped up, and ran round the lawn.


Carina loved taking a nap

on the bed or on somebody’s lap,

or she’d lie on the floor,

and sometimes would snore.

If mom stirred, she’d wake up ASAP.



The dog’s daddy liked feeding the birds.

He spoke to them using their words.

He’s say “tweet tweet” and “coo”,

and sometimes “who! hoo!”.

They loved it, and came by in herds.


Carina would climb on dad’s chest

where she’d stretch herself out for a rest.

She did it each morning

without any warning,

thinking this bed was the best.





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